


Things You See In a Porn Store

by EvalinaPhoenix



Category: Star Trek (2009)
Genre: Crack, Gen, Porn, Random - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-08-14
Updated: 2012-08-14
Packaged: 2017-11-12 03:08:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,780
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/486001
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EvalinaPhoenix/pseuds/EvalinaPhoenix
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Captain Kirk and Mr Spock are on shore leave. He decides to take Spock to a porn store. Not slash, friendship fic, rating for the location.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Escaping the Enterprise and Managing Mischief

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: Not mine, no money, wish they were 'cause I would totally spend most of my time doing evil, evil, wonderful things to Spock. ^_^ Just saying. I wrote this because I got bored at work and started thinking about what would happen if Kirk and Spock came into my store, other than I'd totally hit on Spock.
> 
> Warnings: It's a story about a porn store. Duh. Expect everything; including inflatable love animals, dildos, and sexual connotations. Don't say I didn't warn ya!

"Captain, what is the purpose of this venture?" Lt. Commander Spock looked highly uncomfortable in the so-called 'red light district' of Andevian II's moon, Stratos Gamma. They were docked for repairs and R the quickly disappearing handful of hours they had away from their responsibilities were a welcome distraction.

 

"We're on a 48-hour mandatory dock, Mister Spock, we might as well stretch our legs," Captain James T. Kirk meandered down the sidewalk, observing the various establishments. "And don't call me Captain while we're here. Turns some girls off. I'm just Jim at the moment."

"Muscles are no more exercised on the planet's surface than on the equipment in the recreational room, sir. I assume that you have a logical reason for insisting I accompany you to this place." The tone was very Vulcan, flat and unemotional. Jim, however, knew better. Spock was more than slightly uncomfortable, feeling decidedly out of place in this display of indulgence, lust, and intentional indecency.

"And I again feel the need to remind you that the typical Vulcan does not engage in the services of a prostitute, Captain." Even walking, Spock's hands were clasped tightly behind his back.

"It's Jim. And I'm not asking you to find a prostitute and get laid; you wouldn't even if I did. You know how I can get into trouble at the drop of a hat, Spock," Jim grinned over at his friend. "You wouldn't want that, would you? I thought it would be a good idea to have back up before trouble went down."

 

It had been sixteen months since the Nero incident and while they weren't exactly painting each others’ toenails and having pillow fights, the nearly-nightly chess matches and the need to work well together had begun to foster a friendship between the rash human and half-blooded Vulcan. And since they seemed to be in the habit of getting into trouble frequently, much to Bones' displeasure, they had become joined at the hip as of late while ashore.

 

"Indeed. Your penchant for mischief-making is quite bemoaned by Admiral Pike. And your ability to find trouble in the most innocuous of situations has become somewhat legendary amongst the crew. It has been said that our most recent missions have put you in Sickbay more frequently than Doctor McCoy. It seems quite logical, if not frankly probable, that you would find trouble in a venue such as this, and desire company to serve, as you said, 'as backup'," Spock agreed.

"I think I have just been insulted, wounded even," Jim said, clutching his heart dramatically and leaning against a lamp post.

"You are not injured, Jim. Not yet, at least," Spock said, the desire to roll his eyes nearly palpable. "Though, I must inquire as to where we are going, as there seems no particular destination to which you are heading."

 

Women of many different races and states of undress smiled out at the passersby from behind slightly tinted glass or leaned out windows to call out or motion for customers, encouraging them to enter their red door domains. A particularly exotic beauty, pale lavender skin and bright gold eyes winked at Spock, motioning for him to come closer to her window. The First Officer studiously ignored her summons, the tips of his ears tingeing in green, increasing his pace by fifteen percent.

 

"You'll see, Spock," Jim assured him, winking at the lavender lady.

"Why here Cap- why here, Jim?" Spock stepped around a woman who had outstretched one of several arms, seeking to avoid contact with the tart.

"Well, I thought it would be fun, honestly," Jim said, seeing the specific store he was looking for about a block away.

"Fun?" Spock still followed the Captain, a half-step behind at all times.

 

"Yeah, fun. You know, the thing defined as a source of enjoyment, amusement, or pleasure? The thing you do when you're on mandatory down time after losing another three crew members to a psychotic madman bent on intergalactic domination because his wife left him for a grocer," Jim jabbed the crosswalk button, not willing to risk stepping out into traffic. "We're going to that store there." He pointed to their destination, a two-storied building with no windows.

 

"Passion Planet Pornography," Spock read the store's name from the bright pink lighted sign. The description could be read below in smaller letters.

Jim grinned, rubbing his hands together with glee.  "Adult toys, video, and accessories."

Spock turned and looked at Jim, one eyebrow nearly meeting his hairline. "You are taking me to a porn store?"


	2. Very Vulcan Vibrators

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Captain Kirk and Mr Spock are on shore leave. He decides to take Spock to a porn store. Not slash, friendship fic, rating for the location.

A trio of voices called out greetings as they walked in the door.

"Welcome to Passion Planet!" a female clad in a low cut pink blouse and black pants, an apron bearing the Passion Planet logo tied around her waist, greeted them again. "How are you gentlemen today?"

"Well," Spock said shortly, his hands still firmly behind his back.

"Doing just fine, ma'am, and you?" Jim smiled charmingly, his thumbs tucked into his pockets.

"Peachy keen, thanks," the clerk responded with a smile. "Is there anything in particular you're looking for today?" She focused on Jim, as he was obviously the more comfortable of the pair.

"Just looking, thanks. My friend here has never been to an establishment like this before," Jim stage-whispered conspiratorially.

"Ah," the clerk smiled, nodding her pink-haired head as she looked at Spock. "Well, sir, please let me know if there is anything I can help with, or questions I can answer." She wandered off again at Spock's single nod, helping another customer with lubrication selection.

 

"Loosen up, Spock," Jim nudged Spock's arm, catching sight of a very human-looking, life-sized love doll. "Just look around. We're here for fun, remember?"

 

There were two clerks behind the counter; a redheaded man, his dreadlocks held back from his face by an old bandana, was absorbed in one of the holo-magazines, the centerfold the focus of his attention. He wore a Passion Planet t-shirt and ratty jeans.

Another young man, in apparel more suitable for a day at the pool, was glued to a notebook, a textbook PADD on beside him.

 

The girl was straightening the magazines on the rack across the store. There were a scant few other patrons scattered around the store; one man was heading up the stairs marked "Vid Rooms".

 

At the man's departure, the redhead looked up from his magazine and focused on something below the counter level. Wandering over to a giant bin of pornographic movies on disk, Spock was able to see part of a bank of screens, all showing different areas of the store. Video surveillance was evident throughout the store, the cameras obvious in some locations, less noticeable in other places.

 

The clerk watched the video monitors for another moment or two, then sighed. "Let's find a room, dude!" he called, watching the monitors and frowning, quickly walking around the corner and disappearing up the stairs.

 

The pink-haired girl sighed and rolled her eyes, turning away from the magazine rack. "Hey, Hudson did he?" she called to the other clerk, setting the anal beads back onto the hook.

The male clerk behind the counter, apparently named Hudson, looked up from his work and to the monitors. "Ah...Nope. Bear's scared him into a booth. What a perv, man. Why watch some other dude polish his knob?"

 

"Okay, that's good. Last thing we need is another guy like last night; sneaking into other people's booths. Ugh." She made a disgusted face, and then turned away from the magazine rack. "Knob?" she snickered. "Y'all have some weird terms for your anatomy."

"If you say so.," Hudson shrugged. "Like knockers and jugs are any better for yours?"

"I have yet to refer to any part of me as a knocker, thank you very much," she replied, self-consciously tugging her shirt a little bit higher.

"Whatever," Hudson yawned, scratching his head with his stylus before returning to his homework "Forty percent of 450 liters..." He was muttering his calculations under his breath.

The other clerk, Bear, came back down the stairs. "Hey, Stella, you've got a fan," Bear said, motioning to behind her with the 'Stick of Persuasion', otherwise known as a crowbar that had been tucked into his belt loop.

 

Spock rotated himself slightly to better see the clerk named Stella and her follower.

 

"Something I can help you find, hon?" she asked, turning around and speaking to the old man who had crept up behind her while she was talking. The old man simply stared at her and shook his head no. Hands on her hips, she arched an eyebrow at him. "You know, we have a special running today in the booths: buy an hour, get a half hour free," she said, already turning away from him. "You should check it out."

"You're pretty," the old man wheezed, clutching the box of an inflatable school girl to his chest.

"Thanks," she smiled the expression brittle. "Did you want some tokens for the video booth?"

"Do you wear perfume? You smell nice." He took a step toward her and she frowned, stepping into his personal space.

"No." She said it firmly, turning around immediately afterward.

 

Stella walked away from the creepy old man, quickly heading towards Spock. "Please tell me you need help with something," she said quiet enough for the old man not to hear, a friendly smile on her face. "Dildo hunting? Vibrator search; dual-ended vibrating silicone tentacle that you can't find?"

"Actually, I could use assistance," Spock said, keeping an eye on the old man. "There is a dual-ended vibrating tentacle?" He took note of her amused grin.

"Wonderful, you're my hero. And yes, we have one. It's an Andorian pleasure tentacle, double sided and it has four bullets you can control with a wireless remote; I can show you if you'd like," she beamed, looking around for Kirk. "Did you want your friend as well? He's checking out the non-vibrating cock rings at the moment."

"I am certain Jim is doing fine on his own. Cock rings?" Spock's eyebrow nearly met his hairline.

 

Stella smiled slightly and launched into an explanation of the cock rings on humans; this turned into a discussion of the differences between Vulcan and human anatomy and whether or not a cock ring would work on a Vulcan penis.

 

"I severely dislike these things. The oral simulators aren't bad, but these, I'll admit, creep me out a bit," Stella said, fixing the rack of inflatable, multiple orifice love creatures.

 

They had wandered nearly the length of the store's first floor during their discussion. Stella had been straightening the various toys as they went. One of the boxes let out a 'baa' as she fixed it, and she bit her lip to hold in laughter, eyes sparkling in amusement.

 

"I believe I can understand why," Spock said, arching a brow at one of the seven-mouthed purple screaming blarton; the box advertized 'life-like mating screams' and 'easy grip horns'. Spock flicked the box and it let out one of the 'mating screams'. "I do not understand the attraction."

"More a manual guy, huh? To each their own." She bumped into another box, frowning when it bleated at her. "Hand jobs are how people have been doing it since the dawn of time," Stella shrugged. "It's better, if you ask me."

"Vulcan hands are infinitely more sensitive than a human's," Spock murmured quietly, the corner of his mouth twitching upwards when she blushed a bit.

"Then… I guess it's double trouble?" Her grin was mischievous.

"Indeed. Also, since I do not consume animal-based products, there is no way I would be excited by the idea of fornicating with one, false or otherwise," Spock said, taking a step away from the wall.

 

Stella smothered her laughter behind her hand and hurried off to the wall of prostate and g-spot stimulating devices, Spock following after when she looked back over her shoulder.

 

"So Vulcan males do have a prostate?"

The wall of stimulating devices was a complete wreck, multiple devices out of place. Stella sighed and began fixing them, rising to her toes to re-shelve the 'Not-A-Virgin' probe. It took her a few moments to straighten the tubes of anal lube; she carried a towel to wipe her hands off in her apron pocket.

 

"Yes, but I do not know what purpose stimulating it would serve during intercourse," Spock said, an eyebrow arching as Jim wandered over, a massive green object in his hands. "I am not familiar with such practices among my people. Also, I preemptively offer my apologies for whatever inane idiocy comes out of his mouth."

"Don't worry about it. I'm used to idiocy working here. And you're only the third Vulcan ever to come in here, so I wouldn't know about the differences between Vulcan and human prostates; but usually it makes ejaculation more intense.”

Spock was a little surprised the fact she was able to talk about such topics without embarrassment so often found in humans.

 

Jim nearly tripped over a dangling triple ended tentacle as he came over to them.

“Hello, sir." Stella smiled at Jim.

“Hiya!” Jim grinned over at Spock. “Having fun?”

"Finding everything all right, hon?" Stella smiled at Jim, clearing her throat when he started focusing on her chest rather than her face.

"Yeah, and a few things I didn't know existed. He glanced up as someone jostled the screaming blarton, frowning at the noise. Jim shook his head, focusing on his First Officer again.

 

"Hey, Spock, do Vulcan penises actually look like this?" Jim inquired, handing over the 14-inch, glitter speckled penis; it was at least three inches in diameter. "I mean, without the glittery stuff, ya know." Veins were prominent and the head was two inches larger than the diameter.

The package proclaimed 'SUPER VULCAN COCK: Now with 3 vibration points and 32 different oscillation frequencies!'

"And the bullet is inserted." Jim grinned at the clerk, who smirked.

 

"I have a power cell for it, if you'd like to see how it works," she offered sweetly, trying not to grin when Spock stiffened, his standard stance of parade rest tensing slightly.

"Uh..." Jim floundered when Stella took the toy from his hand, pulling a power cell from her apron pocket. "I think I'm good..."

"Oh, don't worry about it; I get paid to do the practical demonstrations," she assured him cheerfully. “Well, at least a ‘this is how it wiggles’ sort of demonstration,” she assured them.   Stella hummed as she popped the power cell in, shutting the little door and switching it on. Jim recoiled when it began to wiggle, his eyes progressively getting bigger as she ran it through its various functions.

 

"Whoa," Jim's eyes were nearly bugging out of his head as the phallus undulated and vibrated.

"You can test the sensitivity, if you'd like," Stella offered with a smile, holding the wiggling green object in Jim’s general direction. "If you place it here," she motioned to the webbing between the thumb and forefinger, "it is a similar sensitivity to most intended locations." She blushed slightly as Spock arched an eyebrow at her.

"What area of stimulation are you referring to?" Jim asked, watching the gyrating shaft flail about in her hand.

"Whichever you so choose, sir. I make no assumptions or judgments.” Her tone was carefully neutral, a rather plastic smile on her face now.

“But, I mean, where would you…“ Jim trailed off and waggled the gyrating object in the air.  Stella snagged it out of mid-air when it flailed out of his hands.

“Jim.” Spock’s lips tightened looking like, were he not Vulcan; he’d roll his eyes at his Captain’s antics.

 

“I cannot honestly tell the gender or sexual orientation of most of our customers; as such, I strive to make my comments and suggestions as unassuming, non-judgmental, and gender neutral as possible." The lecture was obviously one she had given multiple times during her employ, an irritated sniff at the look on Jim's face; he looked utterly flummoxed. "Forgive me for trying to be conscientious to our patrons." She handed the vibrator to him, smirking when he nearly dropped it again.

 

"Thank you for your assistance, ma'am," Spock said, a slight nod in her direction.

"You're welcome," she smiled brightly, shrugging one shoulder. "It was my pleasure."

"Were you flirting with the porn store clerk?" she heard Jim ask Spock.

"Vulcans do not flirt. And in answer to your initial inquiry, Jim, it does bear a great similarity, with exception of the glitter..."

Stella chuckled as she headed back around the counter, laughing to herself. "The things you see in a porn store..."

**Author's Note:**

> Hey there! So, I wrote this completely for a bet with a friend who wanted me to shut up about the funny idea of Spock and Kirk coming into my store and write it. So... I did. ^_^


End file.
